Gathering Leaves

You are seventeen years
Into what could be a lengthy life
You are flooding grey, ashy smoke into
Your lungs where it dissipates
To corode the empty spaces
Your mother thinks you are
Watching a wonderful movie
Off somewhere with someone
Instead you are popping tiny white pills
Into your bloodstream
Until the loneliness sets in again
There are tiny stars
Exploding inside your vein
Every time a needle is
Injected to give you a temporary
Moment of joy until everything
Crashes down again
You used to say gathering leaves
Was the most useless thing
You could do because they
Would crunch in your fingers
Or decmpose into the land
If they were left alone
Only I wsih I knew that
You were really speaking
About you then

A Little Bit Done

 

At times in our lives
We crave different kinds of love
The warm, trapping love
In which you are encircled
By the comfort and rhythm of everything
The desperate, needy kind
Where you need someone to stare
Into your soul and pick the shards
Of glass from the designated targets
So you can feel whole again
The breathless kind
Where you spend your time floating
On air because if you exhale
Things may become so heavy
As to break before they had the
Chance to flourish
The spell binding love where
The emotions fight each other
Until there is nothing more

Auction Life

At some point in our lives
We will feel the stardust
Bursting through our skin
Like we burned far too bright
And the universe found
We needed a healthy dose
Of imperfection and sadness
At times this healthy dose
Can lead to a tidal wave
Of medicinal treatments
And finding the cure for sadness
We are all paperdolls
Blown away by the wind
Stepped on by the storms
Covered by the clouds
Often we forget
Yes, we are made of stars

Crumbling Parthenon

When I first saw the
Parthenon in Greece
I found it to be the
Most beautiful piece of
Architecture I’d ever seen
You told me it was because
I hadn’t watched it decay
For hundreds of years
Until all it had left
Was a picturesque stature
Of shattered marble and stone
Much the same way as
One learns to love
Something broken
Even if you pour water
On fire, you’ll still see
The smoke breathing out
How hard has it become
To understand someone
Can love you when you are
Free falling down a bottomless well
In the summer of heat and angst

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

The worst mistake I ever made
Was breaking up with myself
When all I loved was lost
In the world I assumed it was
Due to the ramparts I had built
A cracking in my attic
Led me to go fleeting
From the scene
What I failed to realize
Was the cracking came
From my bones
In the cloud soaked sky
Very few people realize
Breaking up is hard to do
Because everything you imagined
Could have gone wrong
Was all suddenly because of you
Inside my chest
I am listening to a stream
Of sadness- a dying heartbeat
All because I, in my forlorn sadness,
Broke up with myself

The Anatomy Of Disappearing

Art by Ramona Zordini

I am self calibrating
My stomach to feel
No desire for simple sugars
Complex carbohydrates
I have rewired my brain
To crave wrapping
My fingers around my wrist
Ten times over
I count my calories
Like I’m counting sins
I breed my lies
Beneath my tongue
Because no one informed me
That I could be a hazard
To myself before
The time I knew the word
Corpulent
I am petrified to hear
That I have gotten heavier
In another world I could say
I’m happy I’m becoming so heavy with love
That my ankles can be dragged back down
To the surface instead
Of 9 feet higher
My body is written in a code
Which I’m afraid I’ll never crack

An Act Of Defiance

A fire is burning
Aptly beneath the surface
Within the core of my being
I am going up in flames
Wondering if the fire inside
Is enough to propel one forward
I was once told that
Pain and passion have one
Thing in common
They demand to be heard
In an icy tundra or
Commotion of flames
Sometimes I wake with
Aches in my lungs
Because fire burns
In me like a smoker’s debt
The room grows smaller
When I see someone lost
Because when you reach forward
You can either pull someone back
Or be dragged down yourself

 

The Unknown Anger

You told me
There were two types
Of anger that lay
Within us all
The warm, wet kind
Where one streams tears
For all that is lost
And all that will be
Wronged in the future
When there is no one
To blame but yourself
The other being icy and dry
Much worse than being
Stranded in the desert
For your voice shakes
When your jaw tightens
I wish I had believed you then
And I wish I could now
You never mentioned the
Third type when there
Is a galaxy in your eyes
Stars stream down
My cheeks because I’m helpless
I am jumping in the deep end
Of a pool where there is no lifeguard
I am struggling to kick
The vines from my feet
When you don’t know what binds
You here in the disturbed air
I guess they were right
When they said you can drown
In a pair of eyes

Play The Part

 

I’m searching for love
In a barren desert
Scorched by the sun
Too many times to want
To move to a lesser place
Where the rains are
Short and often
While many may belive
I long for the touch
Of another, or many
I am searching for love
From within myself
To feel the touch
Of gentle hands caressing
Burned, bruised arms

I Could, I Really Could

Not my photo

I could easily love you
If the invention of the plane
Did not reciprocate the invention
Of the phrase ‘plane crash’

I could if I wasn’t
Trouble from the start
An unlit candle
Waiting for the wax to drip
To scorch your hands
When you played with fire

There is a preemptive
Apology slithering between
My teeth waiting for the moment
One begins to love me

The floorboards are swelling
Enough for me to see
This candy house was established
On a foundation of dough
Meant to dry and crumble
All the same

I could easily love you
If I wasn’t the storm before the calm
And I was the smell of soil
Upon its first rain

Staying Alive

I am a a porch
In the effortless morning
And you, as dull as ever,
Are a vine
Afraid and incapable
Of surviving on you own
I tie tongues
To desks and see
Many begging for mercy
As they are often not
Worth my warpath
I am a moment
Of utter silence
Amongst your screams
Which match the rest
Of the world
I am a match
While you are a flame
Something that needs
So much to help it
Sustain its beauty
Even on my worst days
When the sun has fallen
From the sky
I can look to the mirror
And remember that
The sun glows in every
Corner of my being
You are the tears and
Embodiment of awful
I am being alive

I Am A Ten

images

Every time I enter
A room I am met
With stares of how and why
How could one
Dare to love themselves
And breathe fire to the
Lies of society and perpetual
Oppression when there are others
Starving, dying, begging
On the street corners
Nay, I am but a portrait
Of those who have locked
Themselves away and wasted
Days, months, years
To fit an opportune moment
Because there are still girls
Who cover their mouths when
Eating and there are still boys
Who fear to step on the scale
Each and every morning
Because the constellations
Inside their bodies have changed
Into lost and distant stars
In the meantime you became
The road less travelled by
On the scale of life
I became
I am a ten for living

Comfortable Place

I’m in love
With being alive
So deeply
That it eats
Me from the inside out
When I imagine
Myself turning around
To feel a cool breeze
I feel the blending
Of emotions
Caressing my skin
Like the feeling
Of grime when one
Sleeps on the sidewalks
Much like how I place
Flowers on rusted gates
To bring beauty to
The humbled places

Marry Me

I always said I’d marry
Someone smarter than me
So I could absorb the sky
Every moment we shared
Then the tragedy that ensued
Taught me that often
People are afraid of those
On a higher pedestal than they
Instead of teaching me the
Propechies of life
You taught me that
We die to each other every day
In every interactionless moment
The sun wedges mountains between us
We’re like waves on opposite shores
Begging to kiss the sand
No matter how often it
Pushes us away
We take in the lost and lonely
Like pirates drift asea
We pull our lungs from our
Aching chests and sew them
Into the slaughtered bodies
We once saw dying
For the sound of one thriving
Is enough to push a castaway
To it’s rightful place

Solace


I feel like my ribs
Are cracking under
The weight of my
Heavy heart
Every time I turn
Around to see you
Hear you, smell you
Daunting, criminalizing
I imagine it’s the way
One feels when facing
The defendant
Only to hear he is
Also the judge
And the jury is out
Unlike the lump
Lodged in my throat
From when I turned
To what my mother
Warned me of
For solace

When In The City

Attempting to explain
The five hundred manners
In which I find you
So thoroughly beautiful
Is like trying to convince
The sun of its own warmth
No measure in any unit
Will amount to the qualitative
Truth I have come to
Find divine
Though expecting one
To perceive the same
Is like begging the
Sidewalk not to crack
When water floods
The gates and storms
The cemented city where
Golden roads were
Paved sixteen pleasant
Years ago

Phosphorescence

Not my photo

Sitting at the edge
Of the pond is like
Standing at the edge
Of the earth
Leaning forward into
The dark, abyssmal unknown
And stepping back
To the safety and comfort
When wishing you could
Step out of your skin
To drift far, far away
I was once told
To remove my blinders
Much like the most
Successful racing horses
Often have to do
In order to save the orifices
In their careers

Starve

My father used to comb
My hair and braid it with
Thoughts of being beautiful
Intelligent, well versed
Now he rakes his nails
Through the crunched leaves
Of my liver and bones
He lays land mines
In the fountains of my brain
Where positive thoughts
Were once destined to bloom
He waits, waits, waits
For them to detonate
He builds a moat around me
Saying no one can swim
Across it
I am standing at the edge
Of the highest mountain
Wondering what it would be like
To stick my hands into
The chests of strangers and
Sew their hopes and dreams
Back together
To shovel through years
Of wet, brown snow
Infecting my lungs
I think about it now
In short, swallowed memories
Of tear teeming gasps

Giving Up

The clouds follow
The sky’s moods
Through low pressure systems
And earth’s corruptions
If only we could
Say the same of
Distressed humans who fear
The very ground they walk on
And the very families
They are bred from
If I had a chance
To do it over again
I’d clutch the paper
And write with the pen

Wood Shop Harmony

I once begged to be alive
That was before I learned
To rest my head against
The beating window frame
And hear the sound of
The ground vibrating
Beneath the rugged tires
I used to be a rainbow
Until your weather changed
You opened your mouth
And out came the rain
The sky would spill
Heavy thoughts of gloom
When the dryness of missing
Became too fast, too soon
When I feel like sawdust
On the floor of the wood shops
I’ll spend my nights realizing
The people working
Inside my bones
Mending broken hearts
And sealing unlocked fates

Disclaimer: This is not my photo

Every Time

In this sick and twisted world
I seem to have found
An infinite number of deaths
In a two mile span
Though stuck as a doormat
I create you again
In the knots of my stomach
Where I live in and out
Of the past, inexplicably
I ride in and out of the tide
Just waiting to see
What day and time
Everything will turn to a
Faded memory here
Where fated gravestones
Lay in a line of
Black box cars
Because years of love
And trust can be destroyed
In a moment of hatred
Someone once said
Do you miss me across the water
Deep where the carcass lays
Or is it better across the pond
Where sadness is dismay

 

Disclaimer: This photo is not mine