Why

I wish I could reach into your
Chest to pull out the sadness
Someone placed in a balloon
Far too long ago for me

Heavy like a wooden log
But light enough to snap
Like rubber bands on skin,
The way you used to feel
Against the roar of them

It’s as if a serpent is
Slithering through my skin
And the venom is tracing
Its way through me to you

Your voice cracking on the
Phone is all it really takes
For me to want to run home
But when you remind me
That we aren’t made of stone
I feel as though you are letting go

Perhaps I held tightly, for you
Might break apart if I wasn’t
Your personal brand of gorilla glue or
Maybe it was because you knew
It would be so much worse without
The sight of me breaking for you

Stretching for You

Falling in love with you is like
Turning into a statue that no
One will travel to see for years
It’s like waiting for a time
Bomb to explode and watching
For the pieces of you inside of the
Little places in me; like tumors
It’s like shaking myself dry
While standing waist deep in
Your ocean and I’m completely
Terrified of swimming
It’s like being stuck with the
Feeling that comes after
Waking up from a nightmare
It’s how you can unwind my
Tongue like you are alcohol
And I am the night in which
There is no gravity when
You say my name again
It’s feeling every word you
Say to me evaporate in my
Chest before it’s gone from
My mind; the place where
I used to be safe
But most of all, it is like a
Train wrecking itself by
Driving blind on old tracks

Who and I

If wrapping things in steel,
Meant you couldn’t break them
I would tear down the armor
From you all the same

But looking into your eyes gives
Me the same feeling as standing
In arctic waters for too long

It’s like you throw mindless
Words onto the floor every night
And I wait for them to shatter

No Name

You kept asking to see me at sunrise
Saying a spirit as bright as mine
Would be at its most beautiful
Intertwined with pale morning light

Only seeing someone like me in the
Morning meant sipping the devastation
Until it began to pass, forming a great
Masterpiece out of swallowing sadness

The place where I was truly the most
Beautiful was in your words and
Besides the tears in your heart, but
Mostly in the inflection of your voice

Laughing with you was like breathing in
Your scent as if it was laughing gas
But walking with you was like slipping
Down the most perilous of slopes

My God

The seasons are all washed up
Against the beat of the sands
Kind of like the two hearts we
Melded together in a summer’s haze

When people ask who my first love was,
I won’t know if it was the blue of the
Ocean or the darkness that lurked
Below the violent waves raging below

Perhaps it was you sprawled out
Along the grass with the guitar
Strings wrapped around your fingers
And the way you looked at me

I think of how we chased storms
Together, like we were firefighters
Holding onto the feeling of black
Smoke burning in our mouths

In those moments, we were an
Invincible combination of asking
Too much and giving too little; 
Of fireflies and the night sky

An Anchor

When I meet someone I’ll hand my moons
To for the rest of my life, I’ll want them to
Fill me up like a 90’s Cadillac with the
Premium things it knew it deserved

I spent most of my childhood letting
Pieces of me fall into other people’s
Cracks, but this time someone else will
Light themselves on fire to keep me warm

Perhaps they will focus on the taste of
Gin burning down their throat instead of
The diamonds in my eyes and I will fall
Apart like crunched autumn leaves

When I meet them, they will splash their
Face with cold water to forget they are
Drowning in the old tales I keep telling
As if they even matter anymore

When I find them, I will want to be in
Love and they will happen to get in
The way of the carefully laid plans I set
Like the calm of ocean and forceful waves

Headlights On

Once, you asked me to draw shapes
Into the palm of your hand
A star for my name, a heart
For what you wanted from me

Only you snatched things so quickly
I never had a chance to recall
The shape of myself in you, to where
Now I cannot recognize it

If I ever ran somewhere, it used
To be towards you; but now I am
Sprinting from you like needles
Exploding from pines; falling

Everyone had handed me a square
Peg and asked me to shove it inside
Of a circular hole, force always
Worked well enough until it didn’t

It’s Where You Belong

I can only live without your love
For a few years longer, because I
Am no stranger to rejection in
This massive abyss we began to
Call a family sometime ago

There are regions of this home
Where it rains for days on end
And there are stains from the
Letters I couldn’t gain from you

I threw myself at the world like
A thunderclap in the sea of skinned
Knees and children riding bikes, as
If it meant you would be proud

You chased everything like it was
My tail, only hoping you could
See me do anything but push it
Entirely down the drains

There are broken combs in the
Land of people who demanded I
Survive a little while longer
Only I’m beginning to forget

Friction

Ornate words were harder
To digest coming from the
Authors that wrote billowing
Stories of weeping trees
Than when coming from you

Imaginably, it was the way your
Silence had a pungent aftertaste,
Much like the screeching I
Could hear in my mind
Whenever you felt lost

If I turned myself inside out
Maybe you could find your
Missing pieces among the fowl
Dancing on the densest pieces
Like two children in the rain

When you leave, it’s like I have
Lost the plaster holding me
Together in an attempt to find
The emptiness you pressed into
My soul as if it were friction

If I Like It

I never meant to look into the divide
That appeared like a bullet severed it
Hundreds of years ago; letting it
Bleed out and form stones in the
Midst of making space for the
Creaking floors and broken doorbell,
The kind that dings but no one hears
The sound or feels the rhythm of the
Gentle buzzing around the ghosts
Tip-toeing through the attic space
Though I suppose giving it a glance
Gave me the room for choking again

Four Digits

You have the type of voice that
Could be so smooth, if it weren’t
Erupting with anger and burnt
Beyond the years of cool

If this wasn’t good enough,
You could have been less rough
With the places you had been
To have something less rail thin

Maybe someone who would spin
Spider webs out of your temper
Like it was the rhythm under their
Fingers against the nylon strings

For you to see you aren’t a king
Ruling the masses with a flick of
The ring that means nothing to
Someone like you

Emotionally Laid

In the old movies, the boy sings a
Song about how the girl could
Be his muse and how he could be
Showered with praise for his
Accomplishments with a brush

Only the one who had to stand
Stark in the night and bear the
Critcisms on her bare back
Is erroded and no art to admire

Her legs are tainted with the
Red paint he spilled on his smock
And her eyes are scorched by the
Wrong shade of green he exclaimed for

Her hips belong to the sun
Instead of herself now, but he
Tells her nothing can be done but
Pour water to his canvas as he
May have done to her life

Hundreds

I longed for days thick with gloom
Or times filled with fog and doom
To break down the walls we had
Spent years building up precariously
So that when it falls apart, we
Won’t be tumbling down with it

It seems as if time fades away
When I am pondering the future
It’s as though the world has
Only just sprung up from its roots
And I am clinging to every drop
Of water lost on its spout

In those moments, there is light
Even when the sun isn’t sharing
Its warmth with the world
I forget to be afraid of the dark
When the moon is gracing
My bed window with its prescence

Short Handed

I was like a fog machine to you,
Only good as long as I spit out
The right concoction of words to remedy
Your questions, which reminded me of
The rapid fire cross examinations the
People with furrowed brows and
Hardened hands used as tools to pry
Open people’s chests with; as if they
Were mechanics moving along an assembly
Line made for tearing people apart

I was no good when I bloated with
The swelling waters you didn’t like
To see run north down my many faces,
Even the one meant for happiness
On the loneliest of all days, when
The best of all had run away

I was no blessing nor a burden when
My butterflies came to bloom as
Close to best but never reaching
Quite that one, simply I was the
Over-stretched, over-done carrier
Of your limits under the sea
Perhaps that was all it was ever
Meant to be

Incredibly

We grew together like two gnarled
Trees, twisting and turning together
Like cars around arctic grey poles
Stranded in the dead of night with
Willingly unsober passengers driving
With a purpose but losing it all the
Same, we wrestled like children who
Had no idea of the dark brooding
Inside of them with the ability
To capture the goodness like a tide
We could never be summer to each
Other, only the coldest winters
Breaking each others’ spirits and
Holding the glass in our hands
Before I became rain to you

TOD

There are words that are as
Foreign to me as pink tinged sand
Like the feeling of not leaving
Pieces of myself in every place
I travel to, or every broken
Person I hand myself to like
A happiness pill meant to cure
The longing in their hearts; as if
Doing that could do the same to me
I wrestled with the sea that was
Sloshing and sweeping inside of me
But the tide couldn’t carry it
Far enough, just like the stars
Could not glow with cosmic
Depression to calm the waves and
Swell with the lightness of sadness
Fast enough to fill my hearts with
Beauty and wipe away the tears
Like soft green petals floating
On top of the white worn waters

Honor Roll

Originally posted on Infinitesimal Endeavor:

I can’t teach you how
To be fulfilled but I can
Educate you on how to
Make the honor society
Or be voted the “most
Likely to succeed” at
The end of the year
I can demonstrate how
To have a panic attack
During a test you didn’t
Need to take for another
Two years, I can remind you
Of how it feels to have designer
Bags resting under your eyes
Without a care to distort
The image of sleep deprivation
I can expose how easy it is
To shortcircuit during a
Conversation and repeat
The memorization of the
Wrong study guide for you
Forgot to study for this
Very conversation

View original

Lost Causes or Me?

My parents named me with A’s
Not knowing that A+’s counted
For more than the letters that
Start and end every part of my life

They told me to shoot for the
Moon but they never realized
Their standards stretched higher
Than from the earth to the sun

My thoughts about the future
Were illusions when I could be
Compared to the dullest of
Them all and still seem like
The dirt under their nails

The steady stream of my work
Always seemed like murky
Water they were afraid to
Dab their toes in for too long

As if they might be poisoned
By the supposed mediocrity
Of balancing a damaged life
And a perfect one in a day

This is to crying in the shower
To avoid their looks of terror
As if I was the plague, only to
Them having me was worse;
Like they had frozen half to
Death and woken to find a monster

Running Open

You were beaming at me with golden
Ideals that love was enough, holding
Onto the beautiful words you used
To prey upon me like I was bruised
Only I wasn’t, I was shattered like the
Cup you threw when I wasn’t flattered
By the words I keep replaying in the
Dreams where you never leave me alone
The ones where your smile is crushing
I’m standing there like I know nothing
About the fact that I will never get over
The bitter look you give me everyday

Tomorrow’s Name

You always promised to bring
Me my favorite flowers on days
When I couldn’t bear to water
My own, except you never told
Me that I needed to build a
Garden beautiful enough for
You to grace it with the prescence
Of the red roses I despise first

I catch glimpses of you every
Now and then, when I’m waiting
At the end of the street or
Holding onto someone else’s
Hand for support, except it’s
Like catching glimpses of a self
I don’t want to see long enough to
Trace the way back to you and I

I’m sorry if I’m unapologetic about
Being made of splinters has turned
Shrapnel into the whitest of pearls
But I never promised you red roses

Appendices

The moon smoothes the sea
Until the sun ripples the
Calm and disrupts the silk
Soaked life we have come to
Adore like the beauty we
Have moved aside to feel
The ugliness seep through
Our skin’s pores until the
Point at which we are
Hearing the words we
Have longed so desperately
For, for far too long is
Like looking for truths
And hidden words or
Patterns of our breathing
To find out who is
The prey and who is the
Vulture here

Georgia

You could spin webs out of words
That even Hemingway could not rival
Life exploded around you like grenades and
Insteading of locking lips, you locked eyes
You made promises of tracing my life
In your mind like the way your hands
Traced across my arms with subtlety
I used to pretend they were rivers
You drew for the floods of feelings you
Made me feel, to travel down
Maybe that’s why I feel broken in
The parts of me I didn’t know could
Be cracked and filled up again
So who was I to resist the temptation or
The allure of being a prized possession

Luggage Tags

You lodged a book into my chest
And froze a bookmark onto the
Page where you were standing
Like a dead weight crushing the
Ribs someone sewed together
Too many times as a child

When people ask why I am closed
I’ll remind them I am carrying
Something resembling a blank
Slate, only it is something dead
With too many pages ripped out

I am afraid that pulling another
From the spine might just crack
The spine I have been holding
With palms that shake too much
Late at night, and maybe that’s
Because I held on too tightly
Or because I shouldn’t have
Been able to open them

Ransom

If you fly me to the moon, I will lay
Among the golden stars burning
By flames we couldn’t see from
Down below, from where everything
Seemed so desolate in one view

There is a ransom tugging at my
Heart like the wilted roses you
Handed me with wonder in your
Eyes, that overrated feeling

You hated the way I couldn’t
Reach across aisles and lace
My fingers through yours
The way you wanted me to

If you ask me why I cannot
Hold onto an image of you
In my heart, perhaps you
Forget who you truly are

Status: Bleak

We were a maddened haze
Stuck in the phase where bonds
Are stronger before they break
Like how something snaps inside of me
When I’m letting go of the possibility
Of being loved by you, much like
How it hurt my hands and chest
When I stumbled across you sprawled
On the grey tiles like the world was
Nothing, and you looked like the hollow
I had always felt like desperation
Building up inside of me, I thought
I could pick up your broken pieces
If I wore gloves and hid the words
I wanted to hear, so I tried and somehow
The gloves disappeared amidst the
Long route we took to here-
One day, you will stand on your own
And walk away from me, but I will
Be standing here like reading this
With the same expression you bore 
First faltered around each other