Comatose

When I am laying in the night
I feel as though I have swallowed
An ocean full of tears and fluid
Yet I still feel emptier than
The sahara desert on good day
When people press their secrets
Into my palms, I swallow up
The watery truths like a storm
Cloud amid the ocean’s center
With no warning or brain cells
Working to think about why
It is that I am absorbing other
People’s truths like a sponge

I Should Give Up

You lived in the empty strings
Hugging onto the exits and ins
Of the forsaken heart I am
Carrying around like an anchor
I am a traveling ghost town
In a sick, laden land of happy
Still, I search for your face
In crowds of young children
In packs of elderly women
I am scowering the lands
And sneering the others
Names, I am reading
Fairytales in my dreams
I am stuffing the sun
Into my mouth to see that
It doesn’t scorch you

Waking Up

You used to set yourself on fire
To feel the warmth inside
You used to string loops through
The holes in your hair to feel
Like you were barely alive
You used to hum desperate
Songs under your breath to
Feel like someone listened
You gingerly hold the red
Cup filled to the brim with
Liquid that should be sloshing
Around in someone else’s
Hands but instead it is in
The very fingers that played
The first concierto in her
Spring recital

Politics

I appreciated your honesty the way 

I loved the feeling of the sun on my
Lonesome back in a frigid winter daze 
It was like I was drowning in a sea and You outstretched a hand to save me
My breaths were rapid, dreary almost
But your steadying voice was better 
Than any medication I could foresee
My carcass was tumbling across the
Stadium floor beside the roaring crowd
My faults were waver in all I had ever 
Known to be succinct and true in life
It was like a gasp for fresh air against 
A depletion of breathable oxygen 

I Am A Survivor

I am not the type of survivor anyone’s
Bones should ache to be nor am I the
Brightest bulb in the dull cafeteria, I
Am survivng my pereptual fall and
Grasping onto the wrong portion of
My life, the kind you should lock up
In a steel pot and leave in the dungeon
My feet keep catching on the coattails
Of the fringe I wore throughout middle
School and my hands are grazing the
Soft, woolen material of the clothes I
Begged my mother to buy with the
Intention of losing myself to wear
I measurd my self worth in the number
I could visibly read below me, being
Mathematically inclined gave me all
The more power to count the Devils
Going through my tract in my mind

The Same Date

I tried running from the fire liky my
Body tried running from itself
When my heart was beating too
Fast for my shoulders to hold
Onto it any longer, my skin
Began to rot while my legs
Shook in the boots that reek
Of desperation in the night
The smell of smoking followed
Me like it was the back of my
Hand, I was dressed in meager
Darkness for hours and hours

Cars

I wonder why we like to crane our
Necks towards crashes on the side
Of the road when we are perfectly
Content with driving down the asphalt
And moving on with our lives, I wodner
Why we like to watch a family’s life
Self destruct like sliding against the guard
Rails was a fantastical red button
I never thought about it until my
Back was turned toward the sun
And my eyes were fluttering the
Way I imagined they would on my
Wedding night, today I forgot my
Rule that I would never stare at
The unfortunate people turned over

Either Or

When it is two in the morning and snow
Is falling on the streets the same way
Tears flutter down your cheeks, you are
Either in love with the world or at odds

When it is four in the afternoon, the
Moon and sun are making their daily
Transaction of who shall fall behind
To allow the precious other to shine

When it is nine in the hardened evening
You are burying your heavy breathing
In the still rhythm of someone’s chest,
Your entourage is dreaming to be met

When it is the early morning with the
Crisp air plundering through your doors
You are either homesick for the country
Or homesick for a land you have never seen

Eighteen

I am stringing my necklace through the
Holes in the top of my sweater, I am
Pulling threads from the hand crafted
Piece of fabric filled with the tears and
Sweat of starving children across the pond
I pretend I am losing you, when I am really
Just unraveling the person inside the sweater
I am crunching together the edges like
I pooled together your lies and created an
Ocean out of the tears I packed into one
I am painting the holes with tomorrow’s
Dreams, because they taste like the sea

Our Story

Darling, don’t you know that you are
An unattainable, indomitable feat of
Endurance in the cold winter marathon
Panting through the streets of the city?

When I asked if you truly knew me, you
Said that I expected the world in my
Hands the way I expect rain, to cleanse
Me of the thoughts crawling up and down
My spinal cord in the same riveting patterns

Have you seen the way you stare at the
Insignificant creatures in their mold,
Minuscule flecks of dust in your grand 
Plan which you have crafted from the womb?

When I asked if you knew who I was, you
Told me that even I had no definite answer
My spine arched away from the sun and
I broke my neck trying to read the answer

Are you aware of the bravery that requires
Not being fearless in the face of danger, or
That in the very highest height of things, we
Were realer than real and that was all we needed?

Serenade

I have a book for a heart
An endless binding of blank
Lines full of space for words
Various people inking themselves
Into the person I have sought to be
I can write you a story full of
Spindles to craft into the old
Lines I always wanted to see
There are thousands of sharpie
Laden footprints crawling
Around the very organ I
Have always needed to exist
Yet at the same time, I am
Fending off the people who
Could leave marks in my book

Narrator

The weight of my blood and the secrets laying inside
Crumpled me up like a piece of paper
And hunched my shoulders too far
For the doctors to pick up with their loving hands
It exhausted me like no other and all
I could remember was her voice saying
There are good days and bad days as if
It was all a game to be played from behind
The red wall teeming with falling brittle leaves
I wanted to sprout brown roots so my worst
Parts could fall to the ground with no
Questions at all

Strike Me

In my home we are playing a new game
It’s called who can speak in the most
Twisted code to hide the future from
The most incomprehensible ill girl
In my home we take turns taking pity
On the one with the bones cracking
And shackling up like prison handcuffs
In my home we are painting mugs
With lead to hide the devastating truth
That is yet to wreak havoc on the earth
In my home, I am a child again

Light Me Ablaze

When you built my world, you created
A monster to go with it, with you
You lit a match to the paper skin
I had lived in for a decade too long
I clutched to the flames you created
Below your tongue and inside your teeth
Sometimes, when I was near you, I forgot
That being burned was a dangerous battle
I found myself covered in the smoke
Because no one ever told me not to play
With matches in my plan for demise

Symmetry

You asked me why my legs were shaking
I told you that there was a little girl crying
Inside of me, in every bone and crevice
She had clawed her fingers through my
Collar bones and stamped her disapproval
In the fingers I desperately need to write
She has been asking me, everyday for
Sixteen years if she can take my heart
And I have always said, the sky is full
Of stars representing hearts she could
Have taken for herself, yet she chose
To tie herself to me in an attempt to
Take an organ I no longer want
I am performing a one woman show
In the very end, I understand I have no
Small fears, only one large one

Monday Blues

We were standing at the edge of a cliff
Harbored to the childish tendencies
We weren’t doing a single thing, but
Attempting to hold the universe together

From the sea below, we were much like
The ethereal moon painted in the night
A part of us always hidden from view

In the dark we took turns cloaking
Ourselves from the brightness of the sun
The other one always building a castle
To hide the king and queen from the pawns

We sat in the rain, hoping to drown
In the water instead of the pounding
Noise of our own thoughts
Until one day, I made the leap

Itis

In a way, I am glad that I
Have things cracking inside
Of the body I used to call
The temple to feed with lies
Staring at the mirror, I
Feel lonesome and longing
For the constant ache in
My legs or arms or feet
In a way, I am glad that
My fingerprints are
Indented on my wrist
From holding on far too
Long to ease the pang

Blaming The Universe

I feel as though magnets were put into
The stardust which composes me and
The opposing poles are buried beneath the
Ground I find it so difficult to tread on
Something is tearing them out, much
Like the spirit I used to have in the
Winter storm raging on so strong
It could burn the barricades I
Built up inside my brain

New Months

You told me that people never change
Only circumstances have the ability to
You believed we were static figures
Against the changing, harsh winds
I handed you my balloons, filled
With washed up dreams and wishes
Weighed down by the prayers I
Made when I was alone in the night
The balloons carried you upward, to
The place in the sky I didn’t know
Was real enough for me to visit
Until this all came full circle

Dance Riffs

If I sink without an anchor tied
To my ankle, please allow me
To fall to the depths of the sea
For I am not someone that I
Would never desire to be
I will find a way to swim
Underwater the same way
I found that one twitch of
The facial muscle could give
Away the history of a lifetime
Please let me take my path
When the world is begging
You to let me stay afloat

The Type Of Tan

I was nothing but a girl
Living a cumbersome life
Until the sun flew into my lap
Asking me for a favor
I found myself stitching the sun
Back together with little
Pulses and pieces of myself
Until one day I discovered I
Was no longer playing house
And there was nothing left
To fix, because at the same time
There was nothing left to break

Evidence Of Living

If I called you ten years from now
To say I couldn’t fall asleep with
The sound of the city night droning
On in my mind, would you visit
And act like we had been together
For a million years when we had
Really been a condensed nightmare
Torn apart the same way I would
Hope you would trample people
In your wake to barge through
Doors and make your way down
The old creaking stairs of my mind
To soothe the sounds only playing
There because the sound of your
Voice could only be ignored with
White noise in the night

Letters To The Wrong Person

Mother if you really wanted to know
The stars can fall from the sky and
The sun can lose its place in this orbit
Before I will decide that I am not
Alone in this world of anguish
If you really want to know, I would
Lay myself down in a minefield
If it meant that others could live,
Only it wouldn’t be honorable
For the person who always wished-
If you really want to hear me now
This was the conversation I never
Wanted to have for your laughs
Stifled the tears cascading from
The realm I once thought of as
Beautiful, if you really want to know
I’ve created a puppet show of
My life with you in my mind
You are the star and I am
Drowning under the sea

Hospital Physics

I developed a habit of watching things
Turn to dust in front of my eyes but
I always feared that one day I would
Be watching myself destruct and
Have no urge to change a stroke
Of paint on the blank canvas
I was born to be, despite my mother
Telling me not to paint the wrong
Shades out of the lead filled colorings
But I always thought the color
Lining the edges was proof that
I was alive and breathing after
Scrubbing the colors out from
Behind my ears for a hundred
More years