Homesick

This Was Supposed To Be About Me

We spent years building a game
We could both play without the
Slightest hesitation,

Until the day you began peeling back
The silver armor shining against
The pale backdrop of the sea

When you opened up the drops
Of water spilling through my
Bones like the ocean’s tears

When you learned I had a heart
That you had turned to stone
In the winters of sixteen years

When you learned there is
Fire lighting the areas of my
Brain for love and anger when

I see your face for too long;
I’ll be colder than the snow
Banks besides the pond

You first pushed me into when
I needed to learn to swim
All on my own, but someone
Had to press pause

Wreck It All

If I am anything like you,
I will pick apart love like
Little girls pick apart flowers
To find out what the truth
About feelings is
If I am anything like you,
I will watch the world go
By and feel tears in
My throat but forget to
Let them shed when the
Aftermath is cleared
If I am anything like
What I never wanted to
Be, I will hold the universe
In my palm and forget
The magnitude of the
Power I have

A Different Day

I cannot fathom a world in which
There wasn’t so much space between
The stars to be filled with more
Like the way you said the dead
Each turned to one of those
Magnificent lights guiding the way

There is an alternate world where
I didn’t wake up to see the frown
Glistening your face, in which the
Sickening smell of your perfume
Didn’t hit me like a train every
Time I stepped into your life

I can’t imagine a world in which
Your shadow wasn’t all I craved
To cloak me when my insides
Are eating each other

Yet I do it all the same,
Because you wore envy in
Your eyes more often than
You wore the reproach

You and I

You fathomed the choice between
Holding a love like the sun
In your hand until it blistered
And scorched all notions you
Had of what the future would hold

Unlike I, who meant we had nothing
To hold our tears at bay like the
People who had tin roofs and shards
Of broken glass piercing the souls of
Their feet, who held nothing in their palms

You loved the thought of the oceans
Running until they spilled over onto
The lands where we had built our
Livelihoods in the sand drawn stories

Unlike I, who wondered whether the
Tears could ever stop spilling or if we could let
Our ducts run dry long enough to
Let go of the ghosts we hold

Units

You told me that you would
Teach me to walk when I
Was young and to dance like
I was the greatest anyone had
Ever seen, but I never realized
That meant you wouldn’t do
It all over again when the
Ship crashed into the iceberg
Like your glacial words stung ,e
How is it that my future is
Not a scorched trail you have
Already crossed and made
Into a bitter tale, you never
Told me that I could dust
Myself off, because you said
There should never be loss

Sharks

I talk about you like you shot
The sun into the universe with
A sling made in your very own
Backyard, like you placed each
Star into the sky with the
Intention of bettering the world
Like nothing had ever meant more
To you than holding my safety
In the palm of your hand
I never realized that we were
Walking a thin sheet of ice
And you could pull problems
Through the cracks with the
Same precision you placed
The world into motion with

When I Sleep

She told me that flowers could
Grow back, even after they had
Been trampled on, because she
Was the type of person that
Plucked beauty from its home and
Let it thrive in a microcosm
I never believed that flowers
Could regrow the strength in
Their stems or hold their petals
In quite the same delicate way
But when the words fluttered
From her mouth like my first
Butterfly, I believed what I
Wanted to

Incandescent

I was always the rain
In the summer and the
Storm raging in the sea
But she carried an umbrella
Pretending not to see
Every drop of me ran
Through the wind like
The sprints I learned to
Do in middle school
But she reminded me
That the rain gave
Bloom to flowers in
The spring when the
Grey clouds finally
Went away

Cold

From separate paths, we were
Lost in the words we couldn’t say
But found again in the center

I worry about the way your
Eyes will gloss over and turn
To cold glass when I show you
The darkest parts of who I am

I worry that you will close your
Eyes and let it be easier to
Not see the destruction waiting
In the road we once met in

I worry that I will tell you
That you are my world and
You will swallow me into
Yours, letting me forget

The way my mind works like a
Rhythm or broken clock that
Someone ripped the pieces
Out of

Imaginary Friends

How do I put into words that my
Bones are cracking from every
Word you say to me or that
My heart is racing faster
Than it should, that I don’t
Care what you say but my
Body cannot handle the
Thought of the world not
Being right side up for
Less than a few moments
In a day, at a time in my
Life when everything seems
To be falling down faster
Than it should be
According to the hundred
Laws I learned in physics
But failed to regurgitate
When asked to in three
Hours of exam papers
How do I explain that
My entire life is ripping
At the seams and I can’t
Seem to make it through
The day anymore

Night Tale

I can’t imagine not seeing your
Face everyday when I look in
The mirror to paint the stories
That the world always wanted
Us to have,
People always smiled and told
Me that they love the sound
Of rain and the feeling of wind
After a hurricane,
Yet they shriveled and sauntered
Away when the slightest threat
Of weeds in our garden came
Even when the flowers bloomed
Too

A Wave 

You tell me others have ravaged
These lands before and looked
For the most lush of all and
Turned them barren

As though we were all whole
Humans before a few occurrences
Trampling our cores and turning
Us into parts of whole pictures

This desert has not been walked
Before, the spider webs never
Ripped from their locations in
The corners of our minds

Yet we raise our hands at a
Standstill of unknowing, rather
Than looking to the words we
Have told each other

Respecting Wishes

It was a quiet, cold day when
I felt the gentle tremor of
My spine shaking the world
Living inside of me to the
Point where I had carved
Out a hole the size of you
In the very center of myself

I remember when I was a
Child, I used to believe death
Meant taking a stroll with
Your biggest fear while your
Relatives drowned in their
Tears and ate chocolate until
Their sorrows were gone

It was a sad day when you
Lit me up like a cigarette and
Let me drag across your life
Until you let me go, flicking
Me to the ground and stomping
On me until there were no
Remnants of the fire left, only
The crushed pieces of bone

My Version

I spent so long wondering whether it was
possible to be homesick for a person
That I forgot what it felt like to have the
rain dancing on your shoulder blades
If I stood by the ocean and let your
World of waves encompass mine,
I wouldn’t remember the taste of salty
Tears or sand filling my gut if it
Meant the world would be at peace for
A few seconds at a time, and perhaps
I should have given myself a few more
Moments to step back from the high tide
If it meant I could catch myself
On your breath once more

A Fist of a Heart

Does anyone really want to bury their troubles
in a chest without the constant rhythm of life
to lull them into a steady happiness of a true
Beating heart, one that never needed to be
Rescued like a child drowning in the sea

Or want their eyes to say I love you when
They know they won’t see the faint color
Of the other’s ever again, at least not like it
Was against the pale of the moonlight with
No fraught or worry of being destroyed

Or lay their limbs on a skeleton going
Up in flames like a single broken window
Among a beautiful home or the one
Broken mannequin in a store front
Of world class, opqaue beauties

Or to pick the weed among all the
Flowers and wish bones, or feel like there is
A volcano sitting beneath them like they
Are the Yellowstone and it has erupted

Privileged

I don’t want to water my flowers
Or pluck the weeds from my soul
Yet at times I realize no one is
Going to trace my map and figure
It out for me if I don’t find the
Fault lines first, and at others
I feel like no one is going to
Flood my oceans no matter how
Wonderful I make the depths
Of myself including the parts
That crave the gentle touch
Of knowing someone that well
There are days when I am
Clutching onto illusions in my mind

Puddles

It is easier to hate the broken
Pieces of yourself than to
Mend all the shards together,
It’s faster to be angry
Than to stitch all the stories
Into one eloquent novel

You spilled into my life slowly-
Much like how the feelings
Erupting my chest were
Patient and insidious all the same

But then I remind myself that 
You will outgrow me like all
My roots do until they breach
The ground, breaking the
Boundaries I laid like tiles-
So carefully, as to not
Crack into another piece

Another Life

In my wildest dreams, I feel
Like I can flap all of my wings
At the same time without feeling
Like I am burdening the less
Fortunate people wading in
The shoreline, I am made of
planets and oceans just like
Everyone else is, I have stopped
Speaking to you in whispers
And have begun to let the truth
Of the dreary globe dawn on me
My pieces has stopped scattering,
I have stopped burying the
Sadness in the deepest crevices
Of my mind and can only
Feel the cool silver pouring from
My fingertips, I am no longer
Scared of breathing poisonous
Gas onto the delicate petals
You are composed of

Away From Here

I’m telling myself that I’ll see you
Soon enough, that the world will
Not shake when our eyes meet
From across the library room
That every wave in the ocean
Will shrivel to nothing in the
Wake of our comical attraction
I am telling myself that you
Won’t wish I was someone else,
Someone with a nicer smile
Or a laugh less dampened by
The tidal waves of sadness
Approaching my life, someone
With hands that aren’t stained
By cramping and acids
I’m telling myself that I will not
Need to plant seeds into the
Broken soil to correct myself

Our Waterfront 

Talking to you was like talking to the sand
I was the waves which could
Rush towards you and dive back in
Regret, knowing you would be waiting

You were small like the pebbles
Coasting beneath the wings
But had grand thoughts like the
Mussels attaching to everything

You tinkered with your hands like
I was pouring the salty water into
Your lungs, you smiled like the
Pearls but were ever the same

Your eyes felt like forever, and
Your arms were the breeze but
In the end of the ocean’s tides
Your true self came unclean

You raged like the storm clouds
Above the sea, your body shook
Like the coast of the land from
The tip to the root of all

You disappeared like the sun
Gone from the brighter sky
Left me wondering, where the
Sand would meet the shore

Too Good at This

A captain goes down with a sinking ship
A lot like how a mind goes down with
A person’s body which forgets to care

In another life, I will emerge from
The sea with soaked glistening hair and
Streaked skin which carries me
Beyond the edge of the shoreline

Instead of carrying the entire sea
Inside of my body, I want to fall
In love with people instead of
Words lost in my mind

I won’t see the darkess of the
Ocean emerging from behind
My eyes, instead I will see the
World begging me to stay

Styles 

Someone once told me that crying was
Just turning ourselves inside out, that
Sadness is voracious and loud and
Demanding to be felt, like their front
Page headline is always that they are in
Need, like they are being plagued when
Truly they are hiding behind your door
They hang their wet clothes from your
Windowsill and hope you don’t notice,
They climb through your climbs and
Pray you don’t feel the cataclysmic damage
They wrap around your ankles and
Spin you around and around like
A little girl in the carnival, someone once
Told me that being sad was like
Being sick, a full day occupation and
I never realized quite how true it was
That a feeling could carry you on its
Coattails for the rest of your life

My Love 

I want the type of love where we can
Stitch ourselves back together even
When we are old and brazen, I want
The type of love where the carbon you
Emit does not scorch my insides
The kind where traces of you are inside
Of me in my depths, when I cannot
Breathe because I am only thinking
Of loving you in every moment and I
Miss the way things used to be when
The world revolved around the ripples
Created by where you touched my life
The kind where each of your sighs make
My world shake, the kind where you
Would take my skin and draw it on
Yourself, the kind where you don’t care
About all of the broken bones and
Pieces haunting the wreckage inside
Of me like I am a ship lost at sea
I want that feeling in the pit of my
Stomach like I am floating on your
Clouds, and the saddest thing is
That I want it all with you

No Resolved

When we are not speaking, it
Feels like our worlds are
Coliding even though there is
Nothing to listen to here
There should be warning signs
For this type of love, because it
Comes at you like a massive truck
In the night, because you wake up
One morning and they are the first
Thing on your deserted mind
Because when everything is rubble
You are the last one standing in
My mind, when the oceans are
Raging and the air may be
Dancing around like a little girl