Respecting Wishes

It was a quiet, cold day when
I felt the gentle tremor of
My spine shaking the world
Living inside of me to the
Point where I had carved
Out a hole the size of you
In the very center of myself

I remember when I was a
Child, I used to believe death
Meant taking a stroll with
Your biggest fear while your
Relatives drowned in their
Tears and ate chocolate until
Their sorrows were gone

It was a sad day when you
Lit me up like a cigarette and
Let me drag across your life
Until you let me go, flicking
Me to the ground and stomping
On me until there were no
Remnants of the fire left, only
The crushed pieces of bone

My Version

I spent so long wondering whether it was
possible to be homesick for a person
That I forgot what it felt like to have the
rain dancing on your shoulder blades
If I stood by the ocean and let your
World of waves encompass mine,
I wouldn’t remember the taste of salty
Tears or sand filling my gut if it
Meant the world would be at peace for
A few seconds at a time, and perhaps
I should have given myself a few more
Moments to step back from the high tide
If it meant I could catch myself
On your breath once more

A Fist of a Heart

Does anyone really want to bury their troubles
in a chest without the constant rhythm of life
to lull them into a steady happiness of a true
Beating heart, one that never needed to be
Rescued like a child drowning in the sea

Or want their eyes to say I love you when
They know they won’t see the faint color
Of the other’s ever again, at least not like it
Was against the pale of the moonlight with
No fraught or worry of being destroyed

Or lay their limbs on a skeleton going
Up in flames like a single broken window
Among a beautiful home or the one
Broken mannequin in a store front
Of world class, opqaue beauties

Or to pick the weed among all the
Flowers and wish bones, or feel like there is
A volcano sitting beneath them like they
Are the Yellowstone and it has erupted

Privileged

I don’t want to water my flowers
Or pluck the weeds from my soul
Yet at times I realize no one is
Going to trace my map and figure
It out for me if I don’t find the
Fault lines first, and at others
I feel like no one is going to
Flood my oceans no matter how
Wonderful I make the depths
Of myself including the parts
That crave the gentle touch
Of knowing someone that well
There are days when I am
Clutching onto illusions in my mind

Puddles

It is easier to hate the broken
Pieces of yourself than to
Mend all the shards together,
It’s faster to be angry
Than to stitch all the stories
Into one eloquent novel

You spilled into my life slowly-
Much like how the feelings
Erupting my chest were
Patient and insidious all the same

But then I remind myself that 
You will outgrow me like all
My roots do until they breach
The ground, breaking the
Boundaries I laid like tiles-
So carefully, as to not
Crack into another piece

Another Life

In my wildest dreams, I feel
Like I can flap all of my wings
At the same time without feeling
Like I am burdening the less
Fortunate people wading in
The shoreline, I am made of
planets and oceans just like
Everyone else is, I have stopped
Speaking to you in whispers
And have begun to let the truth
Of the dreary globe dawn on me
My pieces has stopped scattering,
I have stopped burying the
Sadness in the deepest crevices
Of my mind and can only
Feel the cool silver pouring from
My fingertips, I am no longer
Scared of breathing poisonous
Gas onto the delicate petals
You are composed of

Away From Here

I’m telling myself that I’ll see you
Soon enough, that the world will
Not shake when our eyes meet
From across the library room
That every wave in the ocean
Will shrivel to nothing in the
Wake of our comical attraction
I am telling myself that you
Won’t wish I was someone else,
Someone with a nicer smile
Or a laugh less dampened by
The tidal waves of sadness
Approaching my life, someone
With hands that aren’t stained
By cramping and acids
I’m telling myself that I will not
Need to plant seeds into the
Broken soil to correct myself

Our Waterfront 

Talking to you was like talking to the sand
I was the waves which could
Rush towards you and dive back in
Regret, knowing you would be waiting

You were small like the pebbles
Coasting beneath the wings
But had grand thoughts like the
Mussels attaching to everything

You tinkered with your hands like
I was pouring the salty water into
Your lungs, you smiled like the
Pearls but were ever the same

Your eyes felt like forever, and
Your arms were the breeze but
In the end of the ocean’s tides
Your true self came unclean

You raged like the storm clouds
Above the sea, your body shook
Like the coast of the land from
The tip to the root of all

You disappeared like the sun
Gone from the brighter sky
Left me wondering, where the
Sand would meet the shore

Too Good at This

A captain goes down with a sinking ship
A lot like how a mind goes down with
A person’s body which forgets to care

In another life, I will emerge from
The sea with soaked glistening hair and
Streaked skin which carries me
Beyond the edge of the shoreline

Instead of carrying the entire sea
Inside of my body, I want to fall
In love with people instead of
Words lost in my mind

I won’t see the darkess of the
Ocean emerging from behind
My eyes, instead I will see the
World begging me to stay

Styles 

Someone once told me that crying was
Just turning ourselves inside out, that
Sadness is voracious and loud and
Demanding to be felt, like their front
Page headline is always that they are in
Need, like they are being plagued when
Truly they are hiding behind your door
They hang their wet clothes from your
Windowsill and hope you don’t notice,
They climb through your climbs and
Pray you don’t feel the cataclysmic damage
They wrap around your ankles and
Spin you around and around like
A little girl in the carnival, someone once
Told me that being sad was like
Being sick, a full day occupation and
I never realized quite how true it was
That a feeling could carry you on its
Coattails for the rest of your life

My Love 

I want the type of love where we can
Stitch ourselves back together even
When we are old and brazen, I want
The type of love where the carbon you
Emit does not scorch my insides
The kind where traces of you are inside
Of me in my depths, when I cannot
Breathe because I am only thinking
Of loving you in every moment and I
Miss the way things used to be when
The world revolved around the ripples
Created by where you touched my life
The kind where each of your sighs make
My world shake, the kind where you
Would take my skin and draw it on
Yourself, the kind where you don’t care
About all of the broken bones and
Pieces haunting the wreckage inside
Of me like I am a ship lost at sea
I want that feeling in the pit of my
Stomach like I am floating on your
Clouds, and the saddest thing is
That I want it all with you

No Resolved

When we are not speaking, it
Feels like our worlds are
Coliding even though there is
Nothing to listen to here
There should be warning signs
For this type of love, because it
Comes at you like a massive truck
In the night, because you wake up
One morning and they are the first
Thing on your deserted mind
Because when everything is rubble
You are the last one standing in
My mind, when the oceans are
Raging and the air may be
Dancing around like a little girl

Moral Compass

People always say they want to be
The first thing someone thinks of
In the stark of the lonely night
When they wake gasping for a
Clear breath, but when I wake in
The night I am thinking of the
Pounding in my skull and the
Ache in my bones before I am
Thinking of you, perhaps that means
I am falling in love with the feelings
Lodged in my nervous system
Faster than I could ever imagine
Words dancing between our mouths

Rolling Hills

I’ve fallen in love with the forces
Between our words, like a dull
Friction only touched by our courses

I am no longer aching when someone
Snaps my heart into two more pieces
I am only longing for the will to sew
It back together like the will you gave me

If I could hold your hand, I wouldn’t mind
The touch of fingertips to fingerprints
Or the constant conversation I had previously
Found tedious and repulsive

I wouldn’t mind revisiting these feelings
When I am rolling in my grave if it meant
I could remember arms around arms
And fingers tangled in fingers a little while longer

OCD

OCD is not obscure perfection disorder
Or an adjective you place upon yourself

OCD is riding a tidal wave of emotions and
Counting the letters in your words like you
Are a planet and they are your moons

It is not praying that your report card is
A perfect alignment of A’s,
It is not spending hours making a beautiful diorama well placed

OCD is measuring your life in distinct
Numbers of years and believing that
Statistically someone will intrude upon
Your home which you have never loved

It is not sobbing into one arm’s crest,
Rather it is wailing into both because you
Need so desperately for it to be two

OCD is knowing that you need to
Do something with a will so strong
That you will cross a hundred mountains,
Even if it means you are turning blue

Stop By

There are days when I cannot stretch
My arms toward the warmth of the
Sun; days when there are places in
My body where I am so shattered that
I cannot extend the paths far enough
For you to walk on them
You will have to teach me to ride
The ups and downs without the
Feeling of desperation floating up
And down in my stomach
I always knew I wanted to be
A wave amongst the sea like
Your moods had been for years
I called the sea for a favor
Hoping that someone could lift
The terror from my bones
Only my conch shell had sailed
Into the ocean breeze

Fathom 

There is no way I was born to scrawl
My John Hancock on bills or fall
Upon my laurels until my last breath
I cannot be meant for these slow deaths
Or the agony of finger-bleeding string
Solos in the dead of somber night in your car
I was born to feel the world shake, like My greedy fists which cause the next quake
I was born to taste the bittersweet omen
That winter sends for spring each morning
I was born to view the depths of all emotion
For I simply cannot accept the notion
That I will perish before I have created
A meaning for myself in the weighted

Promise 

My house is resting under the shadows

Beginning to feel the gentle hum of 
Nature and the rising tides of war 
Against its sides as the ticking of time
Fades into the dull distant future 
My eyelashes have concrete gluing
Them to the smooth skin below my
Dark eyes, they are wise and ancient
Like the very concept of the sunrise 
I am captivated by the night sky more
Than my breath is taken away by the
Promise of the daylight 

Changing Nights

The impending doom has engulfed me so
Strongly that I can feel the current running
Through my veins in bursts and dreams, it is
As if I am floating through the world fast
Enough to view my body living my life yet
I am incapable of feeling the emotions
Swirling around in my head- I came to
This world with a shield in my hands and
A wish to retract all the secrets I shared
With my mother through my blood
She knows I will curse at the wind and
Scream at the grass keeping my feet
From burning, she knows I will count
The number of letters in words and
Clench my fists so tight that my
Palms bleed and my fingers break
Yet in the night, lying under the moon
I am incapable of feeling anything
But absolute wonder

I Love

I have thrown myself into the bottom of a well
positioned in the center of a luscious flower field
with no hope for becoming a gorgeous marigold
Only the devastation of being a weed to
Accompany me into the night when I grow
my roots long enough to latch onto the brick
Climbing up the plait of vitreous hair was
walking a tightrope, knowing the ground
was going to crack whether the rope snapped
In the sun’s gracious light, I can sleep as if
I have returned from the most cataclysmic
war written in the history textbooks
I am holding breadcrumbs in my hands and
comparing them to the moments in which
we used to shrivel up and bleed, yet I am
unaware of the way in which I would do
it all over again to see you

Let Me Dangle

I am dreaming of walls closing in
On savage animals hidden in cabinets
I am obsessed with space and where
Things go, as my brother swelled
To the size of the moon I found myself
Shrinking to compensate, to fit
The cracked pieces of myself into
A tinier and tinier hole each month
The strands of my hair fell alone,
Rather than in clumps to fit in
His growing need to consume
Everything I could be in the world
Destroyed my sense of self worth
Faster than I could have ever
Imagined one person could

This Death Thing

My mind is going to last forever
Even when I die, they will recall
That I was made from scratch
And that I could never get over
How the sky melted into the sea
Like it was a silence melting
Into a soothing nothing, I never
Promised anyone forever or
Held someone in my arms as their
Heart ceased to beat against the
Hollow of my chest- We were never
A pair of rag dolls being held by
The puppets in the sky, because I
Was tormented by the idea of
Being controlled to the point where
I controlled the one thing in my
Life that I still could

Failed 

Something is tugging at my strings
As if I am the emerald in a grey blue sea
My hands are flailing against the wind
Unlike the precise decisions cutting
Through my life like sharp blades
I am weighing my life in measurable
Amounts; the pounds of tears and the
Volume of the sea which I have drown
In a hundred times this year, the world
I cannot leave but have to steer against
The current to protect the outer shell
My snow is catching on fire and my
Eyes are covered with plastic wraps, in
The grand world I am nothing

The Verdict

I am dead inside and your gaze
Warms me like I am charcoal
I am writing a recipe for keeping
Other people’s lives at bay
Because when someone asks you
“Are you sure?” A hundred more
Times and you cannot bring
Yourself to smile and look in
Their eyes, perhaps it is a sign
That just like that, you are
Forever theirs- I am pouring
Salt into my wounds and batting
My eyes until there is brain
Matter clumping in my lashes
There are gaps between your
Teeth like there are periods
In which all you can hear is
The harsh rain pounding down
Between the tender thunder
I have a frown on my face, like
I am not supposed to be in
This world, but your eyes
Make me feel like I am
At home again