Short Handed

I was like a fog machine to you,
Only good as long as I spit out
The right concoction of words to remedy
Your questions, which reminded me of
The rapid fire cross examinations the
People with furrowed brows and
Hardened hands used as tools to pry
Open people’s chests with; as if they
Were mechanics moving along an assembly
Line made for tearing people apart

I was no good when I bloated with
The swelling waters you didn’t like
To see run north down my many faces,
Even the one meant for happiness
On the loneliest of all days, when
The best of all had run away

I was no blessing nor a burden when
My butterflies came to bloom as
Close to best but never reaching
Quite that one, simply I was the
Over-stretched, over-done carrier
Of your limits under the sea
Perhaps that was all it was ever
Meant to be


We grew together like two gnarled
Trees, twisting and turning together
Like cars around arctic grey poles
Stranded in the dead of night with
Willingly unsober passengers driving
With a purpose but losing it all the
Same, we wrestled like children who
Had no idea of the dark brooding
Inside of them with the ability
To capture the goodness like a tide
We could never be summer to each
Other, only the coldest winters
Breaking each others’ spirits and
Holding the glass in our hands
Before I became rain to you


There are words that are as
Foreign to me as pink tinged sand
Like the feeling of not leaving
Pieces of myself in every place
I travel to, or every broken
Person I hand myself to like
A happiness pill meant to cure
The longing in their hearts; as if
Doing that could do the same to me
I wrestled with the sea that was
Sloshing and sweeping inside of me
But the tide couldn’t carry it
Far enough, just like the stars
Could not glow with cosmic
Depression to calm the waves and
Swell with the lightness of sadness
Fast enough to fill my hearts with
Beauty and wipe away the tears
Like soft green petals floating
On top of the white worn waters

Honor Roll

Originally posted on Infinitesimal Endeavor:

I can’t teach you how
To be fulfilled but I can
Educate you on how to
Make the honor society
Or be voted the “most
Likely to succeed” at
The end of the year
I can demonstrate how
To have a panic attack
During a test you didn’t
Need to take for another
Two years, I can remind you
Of how it feels to have designer
Bags resting under your eyes
Without a care to distort
The image of sleep deprivation
I can expose how easy it is
To shortcircuit during a
Conversation and repeat
The memorization of the
Wrong study guide for you
Forgot to study for this
Very conversation

View original

Lost Causes or Me?

My parents named me with A’s
Not knowing that A+’s counted
For more than the letters that
Start and end every part of my life

They told me to shoot for the
Moon but they never realized
Their standards stretched higher
Than from the earth to the sun

My thoughts about the future
Were illusions when I could be
Compared to the dullest of
Them all and still seem like
The dirt under their nails

The steady stream of my work
Always seemed like murky
Water they were afraid to
Dab their toes in for too long

As if they might be poisoned
By the supposed mediocrity
Of balancing a damaged life
And a perfect one in a day

This is to crying in the shower
To avoid their looks of terror
As if I was the plague, only to
Them having me was worse;
Like they had frozen half to
Death and woken to find a monster

Running Open

You were beaming at me with golden
Ideals that love was enough, holding
Onto the beautiful words you used
To prey upon me like I was bruised
Only I wasn’t, I was shattered like the
Cup you threw when I wasn’t flattered
By the words I keep replaying in the
Dreams where you never leave me alone
The ones where your smile is crushing
I’m standing there like I know nothing
About the fact that I will never get over
The bitter look you give me everyday

Tomorrow’s Name

You always promised to bring
Me my favorite flowers on days
When I couldn’t bear to water
My own, except you never told
Me that I needed to build a
Garden beautiful enough for
You to grace it with the prescence
Of the red roses I despise first

I catch glimpses of you every
Now and then, when I’m waiting
At the end of the street or
Holding onto someone else’s
Hand for support, except it’s
Like catching glimpses of a self
I don’t want to see long enough to
Trace the way back to you and I

I’m sorry if I’m unapologetic about
Being made of splinters has turned
Shrapnel into the whitest of pearls
But I never promised you red roses


The moon smoothes the sea
Until the sun ripples the
Calm and disrupts the silk
Soaked life we have come to
Adore like the beauty we
Have moved aside to feel
The ugliness seep through
Our skin’s pores until the
Point at which we are
Hearing the words we
Have longed so desperately
For, for far too long is
Like looking for truths
And hidden words or
Patterns of our breathing
To find out who is
The prey and who is the
Vulture here


You could spin webs out of words
That even Hemingway could not rival
Life exploded around you like grenades and
Insteading of locking lips, you locked eyes
You made promises of tracing my life
In your mind like the way your hands
Traced across my arms with subtlety
I used to pretend they were rivers
You drew for the floods of feelings you
Made me feel, to travel down
Maybe that’s why I feel broken in
The parts of me I didn’t know could
Be cracked and filled up again
So who was I to resist the temptation or
The allure of being a prized possession

Luggage Tags

You lodged a book into my chest
And froze a bookmark onto the
Page where you were standing
Like a dead weight crushing the
Ribs someone sewed together
Too many times as a child

When people ask why I am closed
I’ll remind them I am carrying
Something resembling a blank
Slate, only it is something dead
With too many pages ripped out

I am afraid that pulling another
From the spine might just crack
The spine I have been holding
With palms that shake too much
Late at night, and maybe that’s
Because I held on too tightly
Or because I shouldn’t have
Been able to open them


If you fly me to the moon, I will lay
Among the golden stars burning
By flames we couldn’t see from
Down below, from where everything
Seemed so desolate in one view

There is a ransom tugging at my
Heart like the wilted roses you
Handed me with wonder in your
Eyes, that overrated feeling

You hated the way I couldn’t
Reach across aisles and lace
My fingers through yours
The way you wanted me to

If you ask me why I cannot
Hold onto an image of you
In my heart, perhaps you
Forget who you truly are

Status: Bleak

We were a maddened haze
Stuck in the phase where bonds
Are stronger before they break
Like how something snaps inside of me
When I’m letting go of the possibility
Of being loved by you, much like
How it hurt my hands and chest
When I stumbled across you sprawled
On the grey tiles like the world was
Nothing, and you looked like the hollow
I had always felt like desperation
Building up inside of me, I thought
I could pick up your broken pieces
If I wore gloves and hid the words
I wanted to hear, so I tried and somehow
The gloves disappeared amidst the
Long route we took to here-
One day, you will stand on your own
And walk away from me, but I will
Be standing here like reading this
With the same expression you bore 
First faltered around each other

Not For You

Your thoughts swirl around the places
I’m afraid to let anyone see, like the
Way a sole ship sets sail on one route
Over and over again, like how
Streetlights hum with generosity and
Warmness over the naked streets

I’m aghast by the tenderness painting
Your voice like the soothing caramel
Candies my mother handed me when
My throat couldn’t survive alone

Hasn’t it always been the same story,
About the curtain that gets called
Too soon like the people that collide
And walk away without a word

I don’t know what I’m thinking when
I let your cognition roam into mine
Like the space between us is a branch
I’m holding onto for too long

But I don’t mind how the laughter
Spreads like fire between our lips, like
How people press their anger into
The sidewalks to let go once and for all


I don’t like small doses of cures here
And there until I’m forty and staring
Out onto the sidewalk, wondering
Where I went wrong reading into
The words people never said

Maybe I’ll regret making the world
My home improvement project I
Carried into my tool shed and cut
Myself on too often-
Trying to make something beautiful
Out of what everyone looked down on

Like I was some kind of savior for
Being unable to accept the
Imperfections like candles in the
Dark night bleached by stars

Soon, someone will become my night
With nothing to say but plenty
Of time to watch my lips move
Like a person through lead
But they will glow all the same,
Even in trivial doses

Aligning Rains

I would attempt to sell every memory
Of me being afraid of storms,
If it meant you would know a little
Less about the person I used to be
You used to ask if I feared the
Rain or the clouds, and I didn’t know
How to say I feared the winds that
Came after the rain without a care
For what they demolished, I feared
The storms in my head in pangs like
The lightning strikes that made me
Shudder when April came to bay
I’m still petrified of the words pooling
Like spilled paint in my throat, but
The thought of being a void in
Someone’s soul hurts more than
Being the one who carries happiness
In ten buckets hoisted to their waist
Next time you ask, I’ll be able to say
I was never afraid of the thunder
But the destruction way down under me

A Day Coming

My chest feels like it is filled with
Broken glass on days like this
You planted disastrous seeds in
The holes of my skin, waiting for bliss-
Only now they have sprouted and lie
In the wake of lingering for your
Return like the way you put time
On hold for just a little while longer
My legs are decorated with holes
In the places you tried to make stronger
I filled them with cement that rose
The way the sun does over the sea
It didn’t take longer for you to pose
Over the corpses from the dreams
You destroyed like nothing

Monster Story

The beauty crunched in his stomach
Rumbling and cursing like he was struck
His cold eyes were another X tale
That I wasn’t sure I wanted him to tell

In this world, there are flowers and beautiful
Words that come and go like dazing blurs,
Crushed peonies and wilted roses dance in
The shining lights like each stolen glance

How lovely it was to see someone falling
In love with the person they are
Letting go of each and every unwanted scar
Until the beast swelled and swallowed them up again

He was crunching our sanity, much like
The way he did his words growing in
His chest cavity where the things that
Should remain seemed to drain like
My home after a summer rain

Wide-Eyed Gaze

I thought about taking root
In your life, the way vines
Wind their way around trunks
In the forests I would love to
Lose my mind in like that pursuit

If I could have counted the ways
I wanted to build you up like
The crescendo of birds singing
In the morning, I would fall
Into that trap we call a maze

I stretch myself like the hills
Over the lands I would need
To cross to find the lovely
Person I used to be and fill
Vases with my apologies

I don’t mind holding my breath
Every time the world swerves
To the left or right if it means
The roses are painting the walls
Until everything parts for death


This Was Supposed To Be About Me

We spent years building a game
We could both play without the
Slightest hesitation,

Until the day you began peeling back
The silver armor shining against
The pale backdrop of the sea

When you opened up the drops
Of water spilling through my
Bones like the ocean’s tears

When you learned I had a heart
That you had turned to stone
In the winters of sixteen years

When you learned there is
Fire lighting the areas of my
Brain for love and anger when

I see your face for too long;
I’ll be colder than the snow
Banks besides the pond

You first pushed me into when
I needed to learn to swim
All on my own, but someone
Had to press pause

Wreck It All

If I am anything like you,
I will pick apart love like
Little girls pick apart flowers
To find out what the truth
About feelings is
If I am anything like you,
I will watch the world go
By and feel tears in
My throat but forget to
Let them shed when the
Aftermath is cleared
If I am anything like
What I never wanted to
Be, I will hold the universe
In my palm and forget
The magnitude of the
Power I have

A Different Day

I cannot fathom a world in which
There wasn’t so much space between
The stars to be filled with more
Like the way you said the dead
Each turned to one of those
Magnificent lights guiding the way

There is an alternate world where
I didn’t wake up to see the frown
Glistening your face, in which the
Sickening smell of your perfume
Didn’t hit me like a train every
Time I stepped into your life

I can’t imagine a world in which
Your shadow wasn’t all I craved
To cloak me when my insides
Are eating each other

Yet I do it all the same,
Because you wore envy in
Your eyes more often than
You wore the reproach

You and I

You fathomed the choice between
Holding a love like the sun
In your hand until it blistered
And scorched all notions you
Had of what the future would hold

Unlike I, who meant we had nothing
To hold our tears at bay like the
People who had tin roofs and shards
Of broken glass piercing the souls of
Their feet, who held nothing in their palms

You loved the thought of the oceans
Running until they spilled over onto
The lands where we had built our
Livelihoods in the sand drawn stories

Unlike I, who wondered whether the
Tears could ever stop spilling or if we could let
Our ducts run dry long enough to
Let go of the ghosts we hold


You told me that you would
Teach me to walk when I
Was young and to dance like
I was the greatest anyone had
Ever seen, but I never realized
That meant you wouldn’t do
It all over again when the
Ship crashed into the iceberg
Like your glacial words stung ,
How is it that my future is
Not a scorched trail you have
Already crossed and made
Into a bitter tale, you never
Told me that I could dust
Myself off, because you said
There should never be loss


I talk about you like you shot
The sun into the universe with
A sling made in your very own
Backyard, like you placed each
Star into the sky with the
Intention of bettering the world
Like nothing had ever meant more
To you than holding my safety
In the palm of your hand
I never realized that we were
Walking a thin sheet of ice
And you could pull problems
Through the cracks with the
Same precision you placed
The world into motion with

When I Sleep

She told me that flowers could
Grow back, even after they had
Been trampled on, because she
Was the type of person that
Plucked beauty from its home and
Let it thrive in a microcosm
I never believed that flowers
Could regrow the strength in
Their stems or hold their petals
In quite the same delicate way
But when the words fluttered
From her mouth like my first
Butterfly, I believed what I
Wanted to