Rolling Hills

I’ve fallen in love with the forces
Between our words, like a dull
Friction only touched by our courses

I am no longer aching when someone
Snaps my heart into two more pieces
I am only longing for the will to sew
It back together like the will you gave me

If I could hold your hand, I wouldn’t mind
The touch of fingertips to fingerprints
Or the constant conversation I had previously
Found tedious and repulsive

I wouldn’t mind revisiting these feelings
When I am rolling in my grave if it meant
I could remember arms around arms
And fingers tangled in fingers a little while longer

OCD

OCD is not obscure perfection disorder
Or an adjective you place upon yourself

OCD is riding a tidal wave of emotions and
Counting the letters in your words like you
Are a planet and they are your moons

It is not praying that your report card is
A perfect alignment of A’s,
It is not spending hours making a beautiful diorama well placed

OCD is measuring your life in distinct
Numbers of years and believing that
Statistically someone will intrude upon
Your home which you have never loved

It is not sobbing into one arm’s crest,
Rather it is wailing into both because you
Need so desperately for it to be two

OCD is knowing that you need to
Do something with a will so strong
That you will cross a hundred mountains,
Even if it means you are turning blue

Stop By

There are days when I cannot stretch
My arms toward the warmth of the
Sun; days when there are places in
My body where I am so shattered that
I cannot extend the paths far enough
For you to walk on them
You will have to teach me to ride
The ups and downs without the
Feeling of desperation floating up
And down in my stomach
I always knew I wanted to be
A wave amongst the sea like
Your moods had been for years
I called the sea for a favor
Hoping that someone could lift
The terror from my bones
Only my conch shell had sailed
Into the ocean breeze

Fathom 

There is no way I was born to scrawl

My John Hancock on bills or fall 
Upon my laurels until my last breath 
I cannot be meant for these slow deaths
Or the agony of finger-bleeding string 
Solos in the dead of somber night in your car 
I was born to feel the world shake, like My greedy fists which cause the next quake 
I was born to taste the bittersweet omen
That winter sends for spring each morning
I was born to view the depths of all emotion
For I simply cannot accept the notion
That I will perish before I have created
A meaning for myself in the weighted 

Promise 

My house is resting under the shadows

Beginning to feel the gentle hum of 
Nature and the rising tides of war 
Against its sides as the ticking of time
Fades into the dull distant future 
My eyelashes have concrete gluing
Them to the smooth skin below my
Dark eyes, they are wise and ancient
Like the very concept of the sunrise 
I am captivated by the night sky more
Than my breath is taken away by the
Promise of the daylight 

Changing Nights

The impending doom has engulfed me so
Strongly that I can feel the current running
Through my veins in bursts and dreams, it is
As if I am floating through the world fast
Enough to view my body living my life yet
I am incapable of feeling the emotions
Swirling around in my head- I came to
This world with a shield in my hands and
A wish to retract all the secrets I shared
With my mother through my blood
She knows I will curse at the wind and
Scream at the grass keeping my feet
From burning, she knows I will count
The number of letters in words and
Clench my fists so tight that my
Palms bleed and my fingers break
Yet in the night, lying under the moon
I am incapable of feeling anything
But absolute wonder

I Love

I have thrown myself into the bottom of a well
positioned in the center of a luscious flower field
with no hope for becoming a gorgeous marigold
Only the devastation of being a weed to
Accompany me into the night when I grow
my roots long enough to latch onto the brick
Climbing up the plait of vitreous hair was
walking a tightrope, knowing the ground
was going to crack whether the rope snapped
In the sun’s gracious light, I can sleep as if
I have returned from the most cataclysmic
war written in the history textbooks
I am holding breadcrumbs in my hands and
comparing them to the moments in which
we used to shrivel up and bleed, yet I am
unaware of the way in which I would do
it all over again to see you

Let Me Dangle

I am dreaming of walls closing in
On savage animals hidden in cabinets
I am obsessed with space and where
Things go, as my brother swelled
To the size of the moon I found myself
Shrinking to compensate, to fit
The cracked pieces of myself into
A tinier and tinier hole each month
The strands of my hair fell alone,
Rather than in clumps to fit in
His growing need to consume
Everything I could be in the world
Destroyed my sense of self worth
Faster than I could have ever
Imagined one person could

This Death Thing

My mind is going to last forever
Even when I die, they will recall
That I was made from scratch
And that I could never get over
How the sky melted into the sea
Like it was a silence melting
Into a soothing nothing, I never
Promised anyone forever or
Held someone in my arms as their
Heart ceased to beat against the
Hollow of my chest- We were never
A pair of rag dolls being held by
The puppets in the sky, because I
Was tormented by the idea of
Being controlled to the point where
I controlled the one thing in my
Life that I still could

Failed 

Something is tugging at my strings
As if I am the emerald in a grey blue sea
My hands are flailing against the wind
Unlike the precise decisions cutting
Through my life like sharp blades
I am weighing my life in measurable
Amounts; the pounds of tears and the
Volume of the sea which I have drown
In a hundred times this year, the world
I cannot leave but have to steer against
The current to protect the outer shell
My snow is catching on fire and my
Eyes are covered with plastic wraps, in
The grand world I am nothing

The Verdict

I am dead inside and your gaze
Warms me like I am charcoal
I am writing a recipe for keeping
Other people’s lives at bay
Because when someone asks you
“Are you sure?” A hundred more
Times and you cannot bring
Yourself to smile and look in
Their eyes, perhaps it is a sign
That just like that, you are
Forever theirs- I am pouring
Salt into my wounds and batting
My eyes until there is brain
Matter clumping in my lashes
There are gaps between your
Teeth like there are periods
In which all you can hear is
The harsh rain pounding down
Between the tender thunder
I have a frown on my face, like
I am not supposed to be in
This world, but your eyes
Make me feel like I am
At home again 

Winter Bloom

I used to pluck flowers from their mother’s
Outstretched arms with no care for the
Destruction I was leaving behind, I used
To place them in ill-fitting vases with the
Improper concentrations of dirt and water
I used to force them to thrive in the wrong
Conditions and wonder why, after I had
Researched everything, they would still die
As if all I had been doing was talking to the sky
Only today, I realize that the flowers weren’t
All that different from me, a person torn
Away from the proper environment and forced
To grow in the wrong conditions all over again
A person who had all they needed but still
Could not be the perfect bloom

Harsh Truth

The only promise which the universe makes
To all living creatures here is death
We will squash our own beliefs to
Marry the idea that we can outlive
The rest of the human race, but
We never seem to remember that
The only guarantee made to us is
That one day we will cease to
Exist, that one day our thoughts
And prayers, and useless arguments
Will have no bearing on the tug of
The Earth to the sun

Memory

It was as though smiling and laughing with
Another human being had to be a mystery,
Some strange alignment of the stars was
Acting as a force pulling us closer
Yet all I could say was that I was
Breathing too softly under the
Haziness of the situation, that
I was attached to my pride far
Too much to intertwine my
Fingers with another person,
No matter how right or how
I knew this would be engraved
Into my memory for years to
Come, I could not bear to
Watch the stars fall like
Snow on top of me

Islands

No one understands the full
Gravity of the situation until
Their own body is weighed down
By a force too strong to overcome
Their love weighed me down
The same way my shoulders
Arched away from the sun
I sink to the bottom of the
Swimming pool every time I
Fall into the depths of sadness
I plucked the feathers of love
Off the peacocks plopping to
The ground one by one
But when I am sitting at
The bottom of the ocean,
Perhaps none of that will matter

Comatose

When I am laying in the night
I feel as though I have swallowed
An ocean full of tears and fluid
Yet I still feel emptier than
The sahara desert on good day
When people press their secrets
Into my palms, I swallow up
The watery truths like a storm
Cloud amid the ocean’s center
With no warning or brain cells
Working to think about why
It is that I am absorbing other
People’s truths like a sponge

I Should Give Up

You lived in the empty strings
Hugging onto the exits and ins
Of the forsaken heart I am
Carrying around like an anchor
I am a traveling ghost town
In a sick, laden land of happy
Still, I search for your face
In crowds of young children
In packs of elderly women
I am scowering the lands
And sneering the others
Names, I am reading
Fairytales in my dreams
I am stuffing the sun
Into my mouth to see that
It doesn’t scorch you

Waking Up

You used to set yourself on fire
To feel the warmth inside
You used to string loops through
The holes in your hair to feel
Like you were barely alive
You used to hum desperate
Songs under your breath to
Feel like someone listened
You gingerly hold the red
Cup filled to the brim with
Liquid that should be sloshing
Around in someone else’s
Hands but instead it is in
The very fingers that played
The first concierto in her
Spring recital

Politics

I appreciated your honesty the way

I loved the feeling of the sun on my

Lonesome back in a frigid winter daze
It was like I was drowning in a sea and
You outstretched a hand to save me
My breaths were rapid, dreary almost
But your steadying voice was better
Than any medication I could foresee
My carcass was tumbling across the
Stadium floor beside the roaring crowd
My faults were waver in all I had ever
Known to be succinct and true in life
It was like a gasp for fresh air against
A depletion of breathable oxygen

I Am A Survivor

I am not the type of survivor anyone’s
Bones should ache to be nor am I the
Brightest bulb in the dull cafeteria, I
Am survivng my pereptual fall and
Grasping onto the wrong portion of
My life, the kind you should lock up
In a steel pot and leave in the dungeon
My feet keep catching on the coattails
Of the fringe I wore throughout middle
School and my hands are grazing the
Soft, woolen material of the clothes I
Begged my mother to buy with the
Intention of losing myself to wear
I measurd my self worth in the number
I could visibly read below me, being
Mathematically inclined gave me all
The more power to count the Devils
Going through my tract in my mind

The Same Date

I tried running from the fire liky my
Body tried running from itself
When my heart was beating too
Fast for my shoulders to hold
Onto it any longer, my skin
Began to rot while my legs
Shook in the boots that reek
Of desperation in the night
The smell of smoking followed
Me like it was the back of my
Hand, I was dressed in meager
Darkness for hours and hours

Cars

I wonder why we like to crane our
Necks towards crashes on the side
Of the road when we are perfectly
Content with driving down the asphalt
And moving on with our lives, I wodner
Why we like to watch a family’s life
Self destruct like sliding against the guard
Rails was a fantastical red button
I never thought about it until my
Back was turned toward the sun
And my eyes were fluttering the
Way I imagined they would on my
Wedding night, today I forgot my
Rule that I would never stare at
The unfortunate people turned over

Either Or

When it is two in the morning and snow
Is falling on the streets the same way
Tears flutter down your cheeks, you are
Either in love with the world or at odds

When it is four in the afternoon, the
Moon and sun are making their daily
Transaction of who shall fall behind
To allow the precious other to shine

When it is nine in the hardened evening
You are burying your heavy breathing
In the still rhythm of someone’s chest,
Your entourage is dreaming to be met

When it is the early morning with the
Crisp air plundering through your doors
You are either homesick for the country
Or homesick for a land you have never seen

Eighteen

I am stringing my necklace through the
Holes in the top of my sweater, I am
Pulling threads from the hand crafted
Piece of fabric filled with the tears and
Sweat of starving children across the pond
I pretend I am losing you, when I am really
Just unraveling the person inside the sweater
I am crunching together the edges like
I pooled together your lies and created an
Ocean out of the tears I packed into one
I am painting the holes with tomorrow’s
Dreams, because they taste like the sea

Our Story

Darling, don’t you know that you are
An unattainable, indomitable feat of
Endurance in the cold winter marathon
Panting through the streets of the city?

When I asked if you truly knew me, you
Said that I expected the world in my
Hands the way I expect rain, to cleanse
Me of the thoughts crawling up and down
My spinal cord in the same riveting patterns

Have you seen the way you stare at the
Insignificant creatures in their mold,
Minuscule flecks of dust in your grand 
Plan which you have crafted from the womb?

When I asked if you knew who I was, you
Told me that even I had no definite answer
My spine arched away from the sun and
I broke my neck trying to read the answer

Are you aware of the bravery that requires
Not being fearless in the face of danger, or
That in the very highest height of things, we
Were realer than real and that was all we needed?